Never Let Your Guard Down...

I learned this lesson over and over as a kid. Never expect anything thus never be disappointed. Or if you do expect something, expect the absolute worst of any situation and never be blindsided, sucker punched or otherwise devastated. Take for example, the balmy spring day when I was 13. After a tumultuous year and a half, my parents and I were settling into our new 2-bedroom Army duplex. My parents left for a bit, and when they came back my dad wanted to take me for a drive. A drive? First, my dad and I rarely did anything together so this was unusual. I do not know why I so vehemently thought that my parents had finally gotten me the one thing I had wanted my entire life...a horse. There was a stable on the base, about a 1/2 mile drive away. But we didn't head towards the horse barns, instead we turned off base. That's when my dad told me he and mom were getting a divorce. Even today I'm ashamed that the tears I shed weren't so much for the divorce as they were for the disappointment I felt, the pain in my stomach that once again something I wanted so badly had once again been denied. My entire life is dotted with moments like these when I feel so high, so happy, so unconcerned, only to be slammed back down to earth the very next moment, to have my universe rattled by something--a phone call, a news story, an event--that I never even saw coming. That's what's the worse. That this catastrophe wasn't even a blip on my disaster radar. Lemme tell you, my disaster radar is pretty darned good. I am rarely surprised by life's events, which might be why when I do let my guard down and get blindsided, I take it so hard. Do I quit letting my guard down? Do I go through life a die-hard cynic, expecting the worse always and in all ways so I never get hurt? So, even if I could live that way, when do I give up on the people in my life? At what point is the disappointment too much? How far is too far? When will I know that this bottom is THE bottom? My favorite hymn in our hymnal is called "Just as Long as I have Breath" and it is the last verse which tugs at my heart...

Just as long as my heart beats
I must answer yes to love
Disappointment pierced me through
Still I kept on loving you
If they ask what I did best
Tell them I said yes to love.

I want to keep saying yes to love. I don't want to be right. I just want to be loved.

¡Hasta pronto, mis amigos!

~N